Firstly hi to all the fellow bloggers, I cant believe that i am on my third post finally. Actually it would have been my fourth had i not be way too tired yesterday and the day before cause i was out shopping in the heat and that really made me think up about writing something here, and when i think too hard i guess my brain box usually comes up with something ridiculously philosophical but substantial. We all like to exaggerate, to show off, to put out to the world the biggest , the brightest. It doesn’t matter how me feel about a movie, a dress, a person we go in with the majority or in other words we comply. Am not saying its weird, or demented or flashy(just an amazing display of word, i am showing of my vocabulary, pardon me:>) but is it necessary? Does it make us any better, any different. Ok i lie a lot, i make up stories which make my worlld see elegant, sophisticated dream like but at the end of the i feel immense guilt, fear and probably also a thrill about how those people would like to live my life and be amazed about the kind of person i am which eventually leads to more and its a vicious cycle. sometimes i feel i should give the story writing career a real chance and that’s not a lie.i AM SMOOTH AT IT, I MAKE MYSELF FEEL VULNERABLE, MISERABLE , PATHETIC AND YET AT THE SAME TIME COMPOSED , CALM, BRAVE AND WELL JUST AMAZING, WHICH I MIGHT OR MIGHT NOT BE(OK, I A M QUESTIONING MY EXISTENCE ,HELP)I don’t know if anyone out there has ever felt the same way as me but its like an art , a skill i wont want to let go easily and at the end of the day i think as someone famously quoted”We all need a little drama” Don’t we. Me and lies go a long way back and it was pathetic during the year I had an ED , I would lie about wahat i ate, what i didnt, if i did or not. wore huge loose clothes so that others thought i looked good( as you can see others have a very big role to me) I would lie to myself , betray my thoughts about how I felt( which was precisely crap!), but I carried on , moved it with me , swiftly and slowly like a mother nestles her baby and when lies took over me, my life I just couldnt bear it anymore. Everyone looked at me and they knew the truth but again keeping others above me , regardless of how i felt, and even though my body cursed me i started to lie , promising to recover to bounce back healthy and happy like i once was. There’s the problem It didn’t happen and for a long time . So what did i do, after all I had lied? I drank gallons of water like a mad woman to amke up for every weigh-in . I put on on my best face(thanks to all the little make up i had) and went out each day , did well at my work as a student and people felt maybe i was back, and asked me if i felt fine? I again lied , and one day it came out and beleive me the fallout wasn’t gud. I crahsed, this wasn’t what i had wanted . But i wanted to be the drama queen, the centre of attention, with al eyes at me and all minds filled with thoughts of mine, then what went wrong, because I wasn’t liking it one bit. I didn’t cry surprisingly cause i had lied to myself about how good it felt to be thin , to be tiny. And when the realisation dawned the journey back definately wasn’t easy! Now when I look I question myself was it necessary? Feeling good was a yes but being pitied a- a big no. Cause ultimately who was i? A big fat liar! And It was something i had feared the most . And to all those peolple I lied I was even worse. I felt so tiny , i ANd the real reason came up when I stopped lying was that ther was too much stress, too much responsibility which made me want to never grow up! Things were changing, and I was at a transit itn my life when I had to make big decisions and I wanted to control things around me or probably me as i can sum it. And cause i couldn’t control a single agent outside it all felt good to contro the shape of my body and it gave me great pleasure that I could do it. I could put aside biological hunger and and think about things , work ( and again i am lying ,cause all I thought was was about the chochlate cake and cookies in my fridge at home. HABIT.).Now it’s far over and to very reason I am writing this post. It’s not wrong to lie sometimes, ’cause white lie save people at time but YOU can’t just lie to your LIFE or change YOU(which I did, and still but only ift it’s a must . Its true.)And guys please even though I am a self-confessed big fat liar You guys have to beleive in me or rather yourself, even if it’s just for this one post in my case.Your thoughts become your actions and well at tiems actions bind you to a life long commitment . This post is from my heart and it’s meant to reach out to everyone . It’s not meant to be hidden in my daily journal 1 So please come up and read it, not for me, but for YOURSELF and Your beloved LIFE(which might be cursing you, but you just push it away with a lie, even if it’s for a little drama or a cheap thrill) cause WE NEED TO BE OURSELVES cause in the end YOURSELF IS ALL YOU HAVE. Thanks for bearing up with me.Life is sweet , relax.