“I hate the feeling that I am here, but I am not.Like someone cares but they dont. Like i belong somewhere, anywhere but here and escape lies just past that snowy window, cool and crispy as february air”-Ellen hopkins, crank

I have problem with the whole concept of completion of things. It’s as if the prospect of things complete=things perfect scares me. Perfectionism is scary when you are an ED recovery. I try to refrain from ed posts cause Ii don’t like young people reading stuff that makes them remember painful memories . I have loads, but then this blog is supposed to be an insight of my daiy life , what I am going through , and you might find it funny but I also write a diary ’cause well that’s a personal thing which I am habituated to. Guess that explains my long absence from the blog. Nnow fast forwarding , at the univ sticking with a bunch f girls is hard. Mmy bestie is miles away studying so we don’t meet that much and the one good firend I have has been taking a lot of leaves this year. Now, I don’t hate being alone, in fact I find it much easier to deal with and productive compared to havig a company all the time. But we had this group of five and now it’s just the two of us and the major reason-ME. Lunch times are hard , though having recovered for a year and a half officialy, I find it hard to deal with the concept of sharing food. I mean whwn I a group someonebrings in something unexpectedly to eat and I am all planned about how it’s going to be, and I fret, infact there are times I refused bluntly and people found it rude. I try to make up, but then they find it hard to believe that I don’t want to skip breakfast and and actually feel like eating that early in the morning. So they are hallway through the class and ravenous and then they will want to eat more and I can’t be htat way cause it’s been a long road to recovery and I want to take it slow. The another problem is unhealthy food choices , an excess of fast food. I am ok with once or twice but then the past week they have been going out daily. It’s simply unrealistic for me to follow the suit, and sometimes I want to just cry and not even eat a thing. Eg. typical day in college, my lunch- sandwhich and a Fiji apple. my friend walks up to me-“why are u eating that , here have a burger”,me- “u go ahead , am fine with it@, she says-“who eats an apple for lunch , are u dieting again with all that healthy food, I feel sick seeing so much healthy stuff around”, me-@ its nice, I will have sumthng late if I want. She-@u never eat, here have some coke u will feel better”and she guzzles half a ottle in one go, me-@I don’t drink coke, I feel dehydrated”she- u always do this, make me feel conscious, never interact. I am going out to eat, it’s no use having u around if u can’t even have a burger for us.

And I am left speechless. I end up not even finishing my food instead trying very hard to keep it down. My mind like whatever happens stay strong, u have a beautiful body, u are a strong and happy person. It’s ok , she says it cause she cares. But then does she?

I had developed this terrible habit of watching people when they ate, mostly thiking about how they manage to do it so effortlessly and no one seems anxious and all.But I don’t do it anymore, isn’t that a positive, instead I interact, but I guess people don’t see it still. Never mind , I will try harder, I am used to it.

I recently watched Julie and Julia again after a long time. This time end to end. complete.I wish there actually people like this or maybe there are , in the world of blogging and suddenly I was reminded of my dear bloggers an dthis blog that I had creted and never came up with the courage to write up how I feel. I promise the next post will be ed free. consider it a rant , a pent up energy , a word de-tox., whatever u feel like. bon-appetite.

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