“Guilt is destructive and ultimately a pointless emotion”

My life hasn’t been a fairytale recently, and from what I can infer this week I guess this blog should really help me deal with this.Last night I had a fight with my mom  so this is post dinner and I had two pack of crisps and a whole costa muffin (triple chochlate)and  then purged it. Yes, I am ashamed of the fact that like millions of ED recoverers I do suffer from the menace of  Bulimia. I am a sugar addict and stress and vacations just make it worse.The  last two years were much easier because I was at a weight lower than my ideal,  and frankly speaking, no one cared  how much I weighed. Cause maybe they were happy to see me getting better and making them feel the way I made them feel then was killing me with gulit and I couldn’t do that to them again.Beleive me as much as I love the people who care for me and are happy for me , I hate to say that I can’t pretend to be” all holed and healed up” anymore. It might look like fun on fast food commercials how everyone gets together for a gathering over huge slices of pizza(getting huger by the day) and how just  can’t get over coke, but for me this is all just one big trigger. Trigger to purge.Pizza is the worst, cause all the way up it hurts a lot and my face looks real puffy when I do this. I dissect it and fret over how big the slice is, how much cheese it has , how I wont have any ketchup over it, or I can just have it plain with no non veg topping etc. etc. . Maybe somethings wrong with me, cause no person just seems to care. And as I have committed this crime of  having an E.D  once , I just can’t refuse the garbage they want to stuff me with. No matter how much I tell them that my weight is stable , I am out of danger, I have my system in place, every word is considered an excuse. Last night post the bulimia episode(oh, how I hate this word) I was out for straight 14 hours , sleeping. My mom had to leave for work so it wasn’t difficult to hide it , but the next morsel of food I ate hit my stomach like rock and it burned so much that I cried for like an hour. Moral of the story- I don’t deserve this, I cant live like this.Being thin created intense anxiety that I wouldn’t be able to maintain that weight for life, and I couldn’t. Connect with supportive people who empower you. The more you jump into your life, the further away from Ed you can get. Don’t have a backup plan for living. Live today. Trust in God. Believe in yourself. Get friends and family members to stand behind you and with you and if they don’t accept you or tell u when u are wrong or right stand for yourself. That’s the only backup you’ll need.”  

 I cant let  how anyone thinks about me influence my thought process about myself. I can’t let others judge my  thought process, my decisions  , my conscious choices. I believe I am accountable for no one but myself and I shall like to keep it that way. I had an eating disorder once but now I don’t, and hopefully wont have one in future too. This is a phase and I believe it should pass.

It’s better to embrace the beauty within myself rather than setting up unrealistic goals which I will never be able to achieve. Till then I can look forward to the many smiles and ample of cupcakes this life has to offer:)

If anyone has ever had any such painful memory or experiences that made them more stronger . Feel free to share .

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